Coach Roberts: Team England Running Scared

CARDIFF--As the inaugural Anglo-Celt cup reaches a climax it is apparent that Team England are running for cover. With the score at 4 – 3 in favour of The Mighty Celts and just one game to play, Team England are surely on the ropes and grasping at any excuse to explain their current inability to perform when it really comes to the crunch. Even before the outcome of the Redskins-Chargers game, members of the English coaching staff are questioning the rulebook by suggesting that should the Skins scrape a victory a 4 -4 Cup result would mean that the Cup is shared. It is common knowledge that in the event of a tied series the holders of the Cup will retain it. As this is an inaugural event and as The Celts are the originators and hosts of the event, it is this humble journalist's opinion that the series victory will be theirs – regardless of the result of the final game. A bitter pill that Team England will have to swallow, along with their inflated pride.

Some questions have already been raised in the XBLN underground circles regarding the dubious tactics employed by ElNino's Team England in their pursuit for cup glory. While these are currently unconfirmed rumours it is hard to believe that the “outside interference” Coach Burnzee was subjected to on game night was mere coincidence. Coach Berty, an otherwise stalwart of game, failed at the last gasp when Coach Raggie's Cardinals kicked a field goal with a ball that split the uprights with pinpoint precision. A ball, by the way, that looked as though it were on a wire. A ball, by the way, that could not be found after the end of the game. The Celts team captain, The Mouth, took one for the team in his defeat to the ever dominant Coach Tuscan. While I would never seek to directly accuse any coach, surely this offseason will be the time to introduce testing for performance enhancing substances in coaches and not just the players ?

However, the big question on everybody's lips today is “Just where is Coach Trooper ?” Rumours that he has retreated to The Priory have not been confirmed, but his unavailability to play the Cup decider can only serve to fan those flames of gossip. Trooper is by no means a slouch of a coach, but his ability to run a team at times of pressure is being called into question. Was it not he himself who admitted he could not remember how to call a “spike” play to his QB ? Such simple playcalling errors are typical of a High School football and not a top flight coach in the PFL. Who knows, maybe the elusive Trooper is in fact at a Summer camp in Buckwheat, North Carolina getting some extra schooling in the nuances of the game ?

And what of The Mighty Celts ? Following in footsteps of Welsh sporting greats such as Rush, Calzaghe and JPR Williams; casting a shadow a broad as great Welsh leaders such as TE Lawrence, Lloyd-George and Owain Glyndwr, Coach Roberts is an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum. A quiet and complex character of stature and perplexity. He refuses to be phased by anything thrown his way. His recent defeat in the playoffs to Coach Trooper was far from a one sided affair and has only served to bolster his determination to be the Special One and decide the outcome of this Cup competition and silence the English once and for all.

Speaking from his luxury yacht moored off the coast near Colwyn Bay. Coach Roberts had these words,

"As the fate of the Anglo Celt trophy rests in the hands of my team, I can promise my fellow Celts that we will give 100% commitment to the cause. Having played Coach Troopers team only last week in a playoff game, I believe my team has what it takes to gain revenge & bring the trophy home where it belongs.

I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfilment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious, that moment is close.
Captain Mouth, coaches Kirchoffs, Doc, Rigglar, Burnzee, Berty, Lisburn. I salute you all for your valiant efforts so far, you have given all for the cause!

It's easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline when you're a winner, when you're number one. What you've got to have is faith and discipline when you're not yet a winner. That is what us Celts have, that is what will carry us to Victory!"

At the time of going to press, Team England were unavailable for comment.